*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
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GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Not😆🤣
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped