man i love columbo
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If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM