*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
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Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
i now pronounce you bounced.