I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
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Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Pretty certain I can more drunk
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you