He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
You Might Also Like
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Super Hand Dog Face
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*