why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
You Might Also Like
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle