Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
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ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Matt Goss
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Finally, a door that understands me
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
bro what is going on at twitter