I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
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Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
When ur friends with white people
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
I love art.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too