My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
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I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.