A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
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Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
the saddest jazz hands ever
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there