For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
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Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Don’t make me out nice you.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
i want to work in this restaurant
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.