Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
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Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Good point.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.