Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
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My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Always the camel, never the toe.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”