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My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.