“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
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going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.