companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
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That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
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