my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
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This is enough internet for the day.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
this is what they would have looked like, though
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.