WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
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Always 🥴
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling