7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
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Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different