Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
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I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.