Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
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Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.