Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
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boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Still my favorite headline of all time:
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet