“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
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So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome