I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
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If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
who did the taste test?
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.