[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
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When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death