Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
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professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
@funTweeters
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
When you’re here for the treats.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
LMAO
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse