I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
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ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?