Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
You Might Also Like
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
I’m giving up ice.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
One of the best
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Ron is short for Aaronald
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.