I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
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One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
mechanics be like
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.