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When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*