[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
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@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over