Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
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The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
no such thing as a dumb question
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”