It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
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No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
is this meant to deter me
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah