Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
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*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*