5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
You Might Also Like
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.