There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
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[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.