No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
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I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.