Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
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me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
New favorite tiktok
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful