Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
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Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.