Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
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I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.