I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
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My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
saving face 👀
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.