Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
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I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.