my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
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My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
i’m sure it’s fine
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.