Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
You Might Also Like
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
This did not end as expected.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
How all things should be taught/explained.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.