My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
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My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
😬
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.