what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
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We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.