They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
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Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
How to find Kentucky on a map
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans