Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
You Might Also Like
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅