*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
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My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Well, that didn’t work.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
🤣🤣
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.