the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
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[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent